Things I Hate About Facebook, Part Two

Every get that crazy feeling that you’re being stalked? Well, uh, you are. And I’m not talking about the real-time updates dominating the homepage. No, it's much worse. Facebook has this crazy thing called Lexicon. As if the name alone didn’t sound creepy enough, I’ll have you know the program’s soul purpose is to track every. single. thing. about you.
Your interests. Your sexual orientation. Your wall posts. You name it, Lexi conveniently knows it. But fear not my fellow social networkers! Lexi, contrary to popular belief, uses its powers for good and not evil. Despite what you may think, Lexi considerately states in the advertisement mission statement that they work hard to maintain the users’ privacy. Its sole purpose it to fill the right side of your screen with a variety of ads, all catered to “you” and “your interests”. Isn’t that just lovely? Let us see what Lexi conned up for me:


Nothing says Bagalicious Blogalicious like a puke green T-shirt of a chainsaw-holding child. Goodie, it's only $5.


Did somebody say Alpaca? This is an outrage! Facebook is obviously Lexi concentrating on something else because everyone knows I only extract my luxurious yarn from llamas.



Oh cool, Facebook knew I was single and is directing me to another site so I can meet hott bo- wait... historical romance novel? Normally Sheniqua's books aren't really my style, but since I am Looking for Love...and it is one of the Worlds Best Books.


Dating Abuse! That's funny, considering I've already been identified as single and currently Looking for Love. What's love got to do with it? Go ask Ms. Waters.

Wow, 300.14% of Americans want to bet those statistics were totally made up.

What the heck is that? Who cares- buy our college supplies!

You think I'm a cool teen? Aw, thanks.

This certainly is a Lexi controversy. I don't know about your parents, but mine are not monkeys.

-Chelsea

Lyrics

Lyrics are the fundamentals of the music industry, comprehendable or not, they can either provide inspiration or provoke controversy. They're the heart and soul of shows such as Don't Forget the Lyrics!
If forgotten, they can make or break a contestant's success on American Idol. And, best of all, they supply endless entertainment to needy music-lovers everywhere.
As I was checking my e-mail today, I noticed a headlining Comcast.net Music special feature entitled "Flubbed Lyrics." The picture slide show of varying musical artists contained the song lyrics that were supposedly the 'most confused."
I found it hard to believe this accusation, seeing as I had only heard about half of the songs.
After skimming through the list, I was left unsatisfied. I knew that the provided list only skimmed the service of the music world; which is precisely why I decided to compile my own.


Lollipop – Lil Wayne
I cannot understand the majority of popular rap songs, but this one in particular always gets to me. No matter how many times I’ve listened to this song, I simply do not hear: “Call me so I can make it juicy for you.” I blame my comprehension incapability on the weird static effects used throughout the song, and I’m convinced that is not what he actually says.


Blue – Eiffel 65
Pop Quiz! Remember back to late elementary school when you were:
A) Blue
B) In need of a guy
C) Green, you would die
D) All of the above.
E) None of the above
If you answered E, you’re correct. Heck, if you answered A-D, you’re right too, because honest-to-God no one really knows what the heck Eiffel 65 was on when he (they?) produced this beloved one-hit-wonder. He must’ve OD’d on anti-depressants (I mean, he WAS blue….) and thought that dab a dee dab ba whatever sounded pretty legit.


Nana Lan Theme Song
Nan Lan is this creepy puppet show that aired on Nick Jr. for the longest time. I foolishly thought the show was called Nana Land, for a number of reasons: 1) the theme song was shriek-y and hard to understand 2) the show ended with the puppets sitting on a globe. Globe... Nana Land... makes sense. 3) the show took place at the same location, which I assumed was the land of Nana.
But, silly me, why wouldn’t I assume that the actual word was Lan? Is that supposed to be a name or something? Another common misinterpretation among my friends was Nana Lynn. What a ridiculous assumption! I mean, Lynn? Really? Obviously Lan is much more common.


Roll to Me – Del Amitri
This is one of those songs everyone knows, but doesn’t know. You hear it and recognize from excessive radio play but, at the same time, cannot seem to place a finger on the song’s title or artist.
For those of you who don’t know the song, here’s the music video (I apologize beforehand for the creepy-ness. Mr. Amirtri was probably trippin’ on the same junk as Mr. Eiffel when he made this):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa1IRGtp9Gw.
For years I thought the lyrics of the song’s opening verse were :
Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
the right time and the wrong me
Recently, upon discovering the song’s title, I came to the realization that I had been wrong all these years! Just like the title, go figure, the words are: the right time to roll to me NOT the right time and the wrong me. Whatever, I like my version better.


Disturbia – Rihanna
I honestly can’t comprehend what she is saying during the majority of the chorus. Especially during the opening lines. Different lyric sites have also contributed to my confusion by providing me with nothing but lies!
I’ve read versions that varied from Put on your pretty lies to Throw on your green light. I’m still not one hundred percent sure, but I think this is correct:
Throw on your break lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise


If U Seek Amy – Britney Spears
Lastly, to acknowledge Brit Brit’s comeback, I decided to add her latest single to my list. Recent debate has sprung up regarding the song’s titles and its…ahem…double meaning.
At first glance, it appears innocence. She substituted a letter for a word but, no harm done. However, phonetically, if you say the name over and over it apparently sounds suspiciously like something else. I won’t state it here. For the kids. All I’m going to say is that I think that it’s a stretch. A huge stretch. But, whatever, spectators everywhere seem to be listening and clamoring over it.

-Chelsea

Things I Hate About Facebook

Pretty self-explanatory, I think.



It’s Complicated?
Married one day, divorced the next. These bipolar relationships are always cluttering up my newsfeed. I know teenagers are fickle, but I wish they could just make up their minds. It’s so annoying. Almost enough to make me start singing Avril Lavigne….
Why’d Facebook have to go let people say it’s complicated?
I see the way you’re changin’ your relationship status
Gets me frustrated
Okay, enough of that. Seriously though, I’d like to know why It’s Complicated is even an option.


“Petition Against” Groups
The topics may vary, but the ideas are generally the same. Ignorant users everyone seem to legitimately think that if enough people join their groups (I use the plural here because there is never just one), the Facebook administration will recognize their noble efforts and switch back to “old” Facebook/ give them colored profiles and whatever else they desire. Or maybe they won’t work to satisfy what users are unhappy about and, instead, decide to start charging users or worse- shut down the site entirely! But, if this happens, we’re already safe thanks to the precautionary Save Facebook!/ Don’t Let Them Charge Us for Facebook! groups. These were made by the same intelligent human beings who agreed to legally change their name to McLovin (if 1,000,000 people join!) and need your phone number because they flushed their phone down the toilet….again.

Friends/ Emotions/ Stereotypes Pictures
I cannot tell you how many of these things I’ve been tagged in. If you’re not familiar with this growing trend, let me break it down for you. Basically someone thought it would really cute(?) to take some random cartoon characters, put a ton of them in one picture, and assign little superlatives to each one. One of your friends uploads said picture onto their page, tags thirty of their closest friends, and assigns everyone to things that they, most likely, feel has absolutely nothing to do with them. Then you get all pissed off because you were tagged as some obscure Pokemon and deemed The One Who’s Always Out of Place while some girl you don’t know, but recognize from their People You Might Know Tool, was tagged as Pikachu: The Bubbly One. “Why wasn’t I tagged as Pikuchu?” you ask yourself, “I’m plently bubbly!” And, to make matters worse, you are constantly reminded of this tragic occurrence due to the “_________ made a comment on a photo of you” notifications you continually receive for the next two weeks. Hurray!


You can all rest assured that this will definitely be a recurring segment seeing as Facebook never seems to fail at bringing more annoying things to my attention.


-Chelsea