Things I Hate About Facebook, Part Two

Every get that crazy feeling that you’re being stalked? Well, uh, you are. And I’m not talking about the real-time updates dominating the homepage. No, it's much worse. Facebook has this crazy thing called Lexicon. As if the name alone didn’t sound creepy enough, I’ll have you know the program’s soul purpose is to track every. single. thing. about you.
Your interests. Your sexual orientation. Your wall posts. You name it, Lexi conveniently knows it. But fear not my fellow social networkers! Lexi, contrary to popular belief, uses its powers for good and not evil. Despite what you may think, Lexi considerately states in the advertisement mission statement that they work hard to maintain the users’ privacy. Its sole purpose it to fill the right side of your screen with a variety of ads, all catered to “you” and “your interests”. Isn’t that just lovely? Let us see what Lexi conned up for me:


Nothing says Bagalicious Blogalicious like a puke green T-shirt of a chainsaw-holding child. Goodie, it's only $5.


Did somebody say Alpaca? This is an outrage! Facebook is obviously Lexi concentrating on something else because everyone knows I only extract my luxurious yarn from llamas.



Oh cool, Facebook knew I was single and is directing me to another site so I can meet hott bo- wait... historical romance novel? Normally Sheniqua's books aren't really my style, but since I am Looking for Love...and it is one of the Worlds Best Books.


Dating Abuse! That's funny, considering I've already been identified as single and currently Looking for Love. What's love got to do with it? Go ask Ms. Waters.

Wow, 300.14% of Americans want to bet those statistics were totally made up.

What the heck is that? Who cares- buy our college supplies!

You think I'm a cool teen? Aw, thanks.

This certainly is a Lexi controversy. I don't know about your parents, but mine are not monkeys.

-Chelsea

Lyrics

Lyrics are the fundamentals of the music industry, comprehendable or not, they can either provide inspiration or provoke controversy. They're the heart and soul of shows such as Don't Forget the Lyrics!
If forgotten, they can make or break a contestant's success on American Idol. And, best of all, they supply endless entertainment to needy music-lovers everywhere.
As I was checking my e-mail today, I noticed a headlining Comcast.net Music special feature entitled "Flubbed Lyrics." The picture slide show of varying musical artists contained the song lyrics that were supposedly the 'most confused."
I found it hard to believe this accusation, seeing as I had only heard about half of the songs.
After skimming through the list, I was left unsatisfied. I knew that the provided list only skimmed the service of the music world; which is precisely why I decided to compile my own.


Lollipop – Lil Wayne
I cannot understand the majority of popular rap songs, but this one in particular always gets to me. No matter how many times I’ve listened to this song, I simply do not hear: “Call me so I can make it juicy for you.” I blame my comprehension incapability on the weird static effects used throughout the song, and I’m convinced that is not what he actually says.


Blue – Eiffel 65
Pop Quiz! Remember back to late elementary school when you were:
A) Blue
B) In need of a guy
C) Green, you would die
D) All of the above.
E) None of the above
If you answered E, you’re correct. Heck, if you answered A-D, you’re right too, because honest-to-God no one really knows what the heck Eiffel 65 was on when he (they?) produced this beloved one-hit-wonder. He must’ve OD’d on anti-depressants (I mean, he WAS blue….) and thought that dab a dee dab ba whatever sounded pretty legit.


Nana Lan Theme Song
Nan Lan is this creepy puppet show that aired on Nick Jr. for the longest time. I foolishly thought the show was called Nana Land, for a number of reasons: 1) the theme song was shriek-y and hard to understand 2) the show ended with the puppets sitting on a globe. Globe... Nana Land... makes sense. 3) the show took place at the same location, which I assumed was the land of Nana.
But, silly me, why wouldn’t I assume that the actual word was Lan? Is that supposed to be a name or something? Another common misinterpretation among my friends was Nana Lynn. What a ridiculous assumption! I mean, Lynn? Really? Obviously Lan is much more common.


Roll to Me – Del Amitri
This is one of those songs everyone knows, but doesn’t know. You hear it and recognize from excessive radio play but, at the same time, cannot seem to place a finger on the song’s title or artist.
For those of you who don’t know the song, here’s the music video (I apologize beforehand for the creepy-ness. Mr. Amirtri was probably trippin’ on the same junk as Mr. Eiffel when he made this):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa1IRGtp9Gw.
For years I thought the lyrics of the song’s opening verse were :
Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
the right time and the wrong me
Recently, upon discovering the song’s title, I came to the realization that I had been wrong all these years! Just like the title, go figure, the words are: the right time to roll to me NOT the right time and the wrong me. Whatever, I like my version better.


Disturbia – Rihanna
I honestly can’t comprehend what she is saying during the majority of the chorus. Especially during the opening lines. Different lyric sites have also contributed to my confusion by providing me with nothing but lies!
I’ve read versions that varied from Put on your pretty lies to Throw on your green light. I’m still not one hundred percent sure, but I think this is correct:
Throw on your break lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise


If U Seek Amy – Britney Spears
Lastly, to acknowledge Brit Brit’s comeback, I decided to add her latest single to my list. Recent debate has sprung up regarding the song’s titles and its…ahem…double meaning.
At first glance, it appears innocence. She substituted a letter for a word but, no harm done. However, phonetically, if you say the name over and over it apparently sounds suspiciously like something else. I won’t state it here. For the kids. All I’m going to say is that I think that it’s a stretch. A huge stretch. But, whatever, spectators everywhere seem to be listening and clamoring over it.

-Chelsea

Things I Hate About Facebook

Pretty self-explanatory, I think.



It’s Complicated?
Married one day, divorced the next. These bipolar relationships are always cluttering up my newsfeed. I know teenagers are fickle, but I wish they could just make up their minds. It’s so annoying. Almost enough to make me start singing Avril Lavigne….
Why’d Facebook have to go let people say it’s complicated?
I see the way you’re changin’ your relationship status
Gets me frustrated
Okay, enough of that. Seriously though, I’d like to know why It’s Complicated is even an option.


“Petition Against” Groups
The topics may vary, but the ideas are generally the same. Ignorant users everyone seem to legitimately think that if enough people join their groups (I use the plural here because there is never just one), the Facebook administration will recognize their noble efforts and switch back to “old” Facebook/ give them colored profiles and whatever else they desire. Or maybe they won’t work to satisfy what users are unhappy about and, instead, decide to start charging users or worse- shut down the site entirely! But, if this happens, we’re already safe thanks to the precautionary Save Facebook!/ Don’t Let Them Charge Us for Facebook! groups. These were made by the same intelligent human beings who agreed to legally change their name to McLovin (if 1,000,000 people join!) and need your phone number because they flushed their phone down the toilet….again.

Friends/ Emotions/ Stereotypes Pictures
I cannot tell you how many of these things I’ve been tagged in. If you’re not familiar with this growing trend, let me break it down for you. Basically someone thought it would really cute(?) to take some random cartoon characters, put a ton of them in one picture, and assign little superlatives to each one. One of your friends uploads said picture onto their page, tags thirty of their closest friends, and assigns everyone to things that they, most likely, feel has absolutely nothing to do with them. Then you get all pissed off because you were tagged as some obscure Pokemon and deemed The One Who’s Always Out of Place while some girl you don’t know, but recognize from their People You Might Know Tool, was tagged as Pikachu: The Bubbly One. “Why wasn’t I tagged as Pikuchu?” you ask yourself, “I’m plently bubbly!” And, to make matters worse, you are constantly reminded of this tragic occurrence due to the “_________ made a comment on a photo of you” notifications you continually receive for the next two weeks. Hurray!


You can all rest assured that this will definitely be a recurring segment seeing as Facebook never seems to fail at bringing more annoying things to my attention.


-Chelsea

Wit & Wisdom

Following an extraordinarily disappointing winter, the first days of March brought in inclement weather, a Code Red cancellation for my county’s school system and snowballs of joy to children everywhere. The words snow day painted smiles on the children’s faces as the unfamiliar fantasy of fluffy goodness fell right into their grasps.
“In like a lion and out like a lamb,” one newscaster chuckled, obviously entertaining himself and not envying his coworker who was forced to face the nippy conditions.
Normally I would let such a meaningless statement drift away like a snowflake on an early March breeze, but this one in particular left me questioning its meaning, its purpose, and even its origins.
Who came up with this preposterous conclusion? Why a lion? Why a lamb?
Seeing as I had the day off of school, I had ample time to ponder this. But I did not let my wandering mind cease there. I stumbled across wiseoldsaying.com, a cyberspace treasure trove of all things sappy and aged. The site’s homepage allows visitors to browse through the “heartwarming, uplifting or otherwise moving stories” and leave feedback that is “cushioned with compliments.”
Although I never did find out where this lion and lamb nonsense came from, I was both emotionally moved and textually rewarded. Here are some words, or wise old sayings, to live by:

“A crab walks, so walks his children.” - African proverb Kpelle Tribe
Ah yes, Kpelle. My favorite of the proverb-telling crab-breeding African tribes.

"Eggs have no business dancing with stones." – Haitian
Sounds speciously like Tito from Rocket Power.

"Nobody's perfect." – Unknown
WRONG, HANNAH MONTANA SAID THAT.

“A little axe can cut down a big tree.” - Jamaica
Thanks Jamaica, but George Washington already informed us of this. You might of heard of him, he was the first president of the United States.

“You don't know what you've got until it's gone.” – Unknown
Unknown? Big Yellow Taxi, HELLOOOO!?

“What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.” – Unknown
Kanye West, anyone?

“One who reads and comments blog will live much longer.” –Chelsea
Beautifully said; words to live by!


If you've profited in life from the sayings listed in my blog or have simply enjoyed browsing my page, my efforts have been worthwhile. Leave me a comment if you have a heartwarming or uplifting or otherwise moving story to share and I might post it for others to read. Have a super day!

-Chelsea

TEEF

The first American Idol results show was on last Wednesday. It was a time full of nerves and confusion. Out of the promising contestants to make up the first group, only three passed successfully onto the top twelve. However, it wasn’t the talent- or lack thereof- that made a lasting impression on me; it was the surprise visit from two ex-idol wannabes. But I’m going to cut to the chase. I’m not here to write about their little black-clad reunion on the let’sdrawouttheresultsshowaslongaswecan special. I’m here to write about Carly or, more specifically, Carly’s teeth. Her once demonic smile has transformed entirely thanks to the magic of VENEERS! But this Irish lassie is not alone in her quest to achieve immaculate pearly whiteness. The majority of Hollywood seems to have fallen for this trend. Let’s see some before and after examples of dental magic at its best!

Fellow former Idol contestants, Clay Aiken and Elliot Yamin:

Elliot, I just couldn’t wait for you to fix your teeth!

Tom Cruise

Tom has got cosmetic dentistry down to a science! Scien-tology that is

Rosie O'Donnell

Get a good view of those chompers!

Chip Skylark

Why should he talk to you when he's got 32?

Miley Cyrus

Miley's smile has seen the best of both worlds!

Hilary Duff

Natural smiles are so yesterday!

But the list does not end here! Other popular Veneer wearers include: Oprah Winfrey, Brangelina, Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey, Bon Jovi, Britney Spears and Denzel Washington. Why celebrities subject themselves to these harsh dental treatments? Maybe Oprah was trying to set an example for women everywhere. Perhaps Nick Lachey wanted to rescue what's left of his career.
The world may never know.

-Chelsea

Movies That Make Me Cry

I cry relatively easily, especially when it comes to movies. So, feeling inspired by this, I decided to compile a list of movies that made me cry- hence the name of the post. These are in no particular order. I’m not trying to create any sort of suspense or establish a particular rating system; I’m just making a list of the first ones that come to mind. I'll probably add to this later.


A Walk to Remember

This movie was on the other night, so I watched it for the first time ever. Honestly, the plot was pretty slow and I was close to turning it off halfway through- but people told me it was “the best ever!!!” so I stuck through it! And- spoiler alert!- Mandy Moore's character has Leukemia and dies at the end. But only after getting married to her love at age 19. Wtf? It was definitely sad and everything, but I'm not going to go so far as to say that it was “the best ever”. It was good though. It exceeded my sappy movie expectations.


The Notebook

I unfortunately feel like I have to be cliché and add this to my list. The old people get me every time! It's so sad near the end when the elderly portrayal of Rachel McAdams freaks out and can't remember her husband or anything.


I Am Sam

Sooooo good! It's about this little girl named Lucy, played by Dakota Fanning, who is raised by Sam, her mentally handicapped father. They take Lucy away and throughout the movie Sam tries to win her back. It's so good! And the acting is so well done that, if you didn't know any better, you'd think that Sean Penn is actually retarded.


Forrest Gump

Also cliché to like, I know, but I don't care. It’s so sad when Forest, Forest Gump goes to the cemetery and talks to Jen-ay about their son. I always tear up when people in movies cry, and that happened on multiple occasions in this particular flick.


What Dreams May Come

Usually I hate movies when Robin Williams makes attempts at being serious (cough cough, August Rush- I don’t care what you say, it was not good) but I actually liked this one.
Robin's character dies in a car crash and encountered many internal struggles after he arrives at heaven. Although he reunites with many people whom he had previously loss, he's still really depressed because he misses his wife. I watched it in school my freshman year and the entire class cried.


A Little Princess

I haven’t seen this in years, but I remember crying a lot both times I watched it. This little girl’s father is M.I.A. and is presumed dead. Because her father is "dead," Sarah, the little girl, can no longer pay for her schooling. The evil headmaster agrees to let her stay, but only if she earns her keep by working as a servant. Eventually Sarah's father comes back, except he is blind and has amnesia so he can neither see nor remember his daughter.


The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

I cried he first time I saw this, but only the first time. I didn’t bawl or anything, but the two parts that got to me were when Carmen, America Ferrara, started crying when she talked to her dad on the phone and, of course, when Bailey died of Leukemia. This is the second movie in my list that involves a significant character dying of Leukemia. Coincidence? I think not.


Steel Magnolias

I saw this for the first time last year. My mom, sister and I all cried- but not Dad T. Party pooper. It was a combination of sad and funny when Sally Field had a huge meltdown following Julia Robert's death. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Obviously I choose the latter.


27 Dresses

I’m actually semi- embarrassed to admit this. I actually didn’t even like the movie. I know it was supposed to be this great romantic comedy, but it sucked and I teared up when Katherine Heigl’s crazy love-interest-swiping younger sister cut up the mom’s wedding dress. Some comedy.



Air Bud

I just thought I’d add this to the list because I have a vivid memory of my friends and I bawling ridiculously in the theater during my 6th or 7th birthday party. Animal stories are always so touching.
I don’t even remember anything sad about this movie. I mean, seriously, it was about a dog playing basketball. Maybe the scary clown, who was the dog’s previous owner, was responsible for reducing us all to tears.


The Lion King

I thought I’d conclude my list, thus far, with the first movie I ever saw in theaters.
Who didn’t loose a part of them when Mufasa fell to his death? Who wasn’t bawling like a three-year-old when Simba begged for his father to wake up? I know I was, considering I was three years old when I saw it. Anyway, I don't care what anyone says, Disney movies are sooooo gooood, especially this one.


-Chelsea

I <3 the 80's!

On this lovely Sunday morning I found myself watching a monotonous hour of Vh1 Classic which allowed Dad T (my father) and Mom (my mother) to reminisce and argue over the groups whom were held responsible for the selections deemed “one hit wonders”. Following the conclusion of this special was yet another attempt to revive the 80’s entitled "AC/DC’s Top Ten," or something like that. In this hour I watched and learned more about the band than I ever needed and/or wanted to know.

Like most of the music videos produced during that decade, the instruments received more attention than the band members themselves. And, when the unkempt leader singer was actually seen it was only for a few seconds- thanks to the seizure-educing camera angles. But, no worries, the oodles of jumpsuit clad women kept the male audience involved whenever the redundant chords failed to do so.

But, believe me, I’m not being critical. I mean, who doesn’t love the bassist with the mess of hair or the vocalist with his partially unbuttoned shirt and deep, piercing lyrics? Finding a balance between hell and his unfulfilled desire to rock is not easy. Something more than that attached America to the band that went through two lead singers and still managed to make each of their billboard toppers sound exactly the same. The problem is, I have no idea what that something is. Even Dad T who, following the completion of his undergraduate finals, went with his collegiate buddies to a celebratory AC/DC concert and failed to express anything especially remarkable about the band who made the list of Rolling Stone’s “100 Greatest Artists of All Time”.

The self-proclaimed “pioneers of heavy metal” who have lost popularity both in the United States and down under, are surprisingly still performing (seen above) and producing albums today. Obviously their fan base has joined them on the highway to hell. There is hope for redemption, but it’s a long way to the top.



-ChelC/DC