Things I Hate About Facebook, Part Two

Every get that crazy feeling that you’re being stalked? Well, uh, you are. And I’m not talking about the real-time updates dominating the homepage. No, it's much worse. Facebook has this crazy thing called Lexicon. As if the name alone didn’t sound creepy enough, I’ll have you know the program’s soul purpose is to track every. single. thing. about you.
Your interests. Your sexual orientation. Your wall posts. You name it, Lexi conveniently knows it. But fear not my fellow social networkers! Lexi, contrary to popular belief, uses its powers for good and not evil. Despite what you may think, Lexi considerately states in the advertisement mission statement that they work hard to maintain the users’ privacy. Its sole purpose it to fill the right side of your screen with a variety of ads, all catered to “you” and “your interests”. Isn’t that just lovely? Let us see what Lexi conned up for me:


Nothing says Bagalicious Blogalicious like a puke green T-shirt of a chainsaw-holding child. Goodie, it's only $5.


Did somebody say Alpaca? This is an outrage! Facebook is obviously Lexi concentrating on something else because everyone knows I only extract my luxurious yarn from llamas.



Oh cool, Facebook knew I was single and is directing me to another site so I can meet hott bo- wait... historical romance novel? Normally Sheniqua's books aren't really my style, but since I am Looking for Love...and it is one of the Worlds Best Books.


Dating Abuse! That's funny, considering I've already been identified as single and currently Looking for Love. What's love got to do with it? Go ask Ms. Waters.

Wow, 300.14% of Americans want to bet those statistics were totally made up.

What the heck is that? Who cares- buy our college supplies!

You think I'm a cool teen? Aw, thanks.

This certainly is a Lexi controversy. I don't know about your parents, but mine are not monkeys.

-Chelsea

Things I Hate About Facebook

Pretty self-explanatory, I think.



It’s Complicated?
Married one day, divorced the next. These bipolar relationships are always cluttering up my newsfeed. I know teenagers are fickle, but I wish they could just make up their minds. It’s so annoying. Almost enough to make me start singing Avril Lavigne….
Why’d Facebook have to go let people say it’s complicated?
I see the way you’re changin’ your relationship status
Gets me frustrated
Okay, enough of that. Seriously though, I’d like to know why It’s Complicated is even an option.


“Petition Against” Groups
The topics may vary, but the ideas are generally the same. Ignorant users everyone seem to legitimately think that if enough people join their groups (I use the plural here because there is never just one), the Facebook administration will recognize their noble efforts and switch back to “old” Facebook/ give them colored profiles and whatever else they desire. Or maybe they won’t work to satisfy what users are unhappy about and, instead, decide to start charging users or worse- shut down the site entirely! But, if this happens, we’re already safe thanks to the precautionary Save Facebook!/ Don’t Let Them Charge Us for Facebook! groups. These were made by the same intelligent human beings who agreed to legally change their name to McLovin (if 1,000,000 people join!) and need your phone number because they flushed their phone down the toilet….again.

Friends/ Emotions/ Stereotypes Pictures
I cannot tell you how many of these things I’ve been tagged in. If you’re not familiar with this growing trend, let me break it down for you. Basically someone thought it would really cute(?) to take some random cartoon characters, put a ton of them in one picture, and assign little superlatives to each one. One of your friends uploads said picture onto their page, tags thirty of their closest friends, and assigns everyone to things that they, most likely, feel has absolutely nothing to do with them. Then you get all pissed off because you were tagged as some obscure Pokemon and deemed The One Who’s Always Out of Place while some girl you don’t know, but recognize from their People You Might Know Tool, was tagged as Pikachu: The Bubbly One. “Why wasn’t I tagged as Pikuchu?” you ask yourself, “I’m plently bubbly!” And, to make matters worse, you are constantly reminded of this tragic occurrence due to the “_________ made a comment on a photo of you” notifications you continually receive for the next two weeks. Hurray!


You can all rest assured that this will definitely be a recurring segment seeing as Facebook never seems to fail at bringing more annoying things to my attention.


-Chelsea